Blog The Highest Love: What My Daughter Taught Me About Unconditional Love
The Highest Love: What My Daughter Taught Me About Unconditional Love
I thought I knew what love was — until my teenage daughter's silence showed me I'd been loving conditionally. A father's journey from transactional love to the highest love of all.
I have a confession: I thought I knew what love was. I told my two daughters I loved them from the day they were born. I believed every word of it.
But recently, I discovered I was wrong — and it was one of the hardest truths I've ever had to face.
When Love Has a Price Tag
Most afternoons, I pick up my younger daughter from school. It's a rhythm we've had for years. The gate opens, I see her, and I greet her with a smile — "How was school today?"
And often? Not much comes back. A shrug. A one-word answer. Eyes on her phone.
I used to let it sting. I'd feel hurt, then annoyed, then distant. If you won't talk to me, I thought, fine — I'll stop trying. And I did. I'd go cold. I'd retreat into my own work. I told myself it was her fault.
Then one day, sitting with that silence, it hit me:
I was only loving her when she responded the way I wanted. When she didn't, I withdrew my love — like taking back a gift because she didn't say thank you fast enough.
That wasn't love. That was a transaction.
We're Taught to Love Conditionally
Think about it. From the time we're small, we learn: be good, and you'll be loved. Get good grades, and you'll be praised. Behave the way your parents expect, and you'll receive warmth.
We carry this into adulthood. Into marriage. Into parenting. We think it's normal — because it's all we've ever known.
Honestly? I was doing it myself without even noticing. I said I loved my daughters unconditionally. But somewhere along the way, when one of them became a teenager and stopped responding the way I'd like — less respect, less conversation, less of everything I used to receive — my "love" started to shrink. I pulled back. I felt confused, then hurt, then angry.
I couldn't find the reason: why had it come to this?
Image: father sitting alone at dinner table
And then I came across an idea — the highest love of all, for all time, is unconditional love. Love that asks for nothing back. Love that doesn't change based on what you receive.
The moment I heard it, I knew it was true. But I also knew — really, truly doing it? That's the hard part.
Letting Go of the Response
So I tried something different. I stopped waiting for her to respond in the way I wanted. I greeted her after school — but I didn't insist on anything back. I just loved her. No strings. No scoreboard. No measuring.
If she was quiet, I let her be quiet. If she had nothing to say, I didn't make it mean anything about me.
I won't pretend it was easy. There were moments I wanted to retreat again. But I kept reminding myself: I love her. That's it. That's the whole thing.
And then, quietly, something shifted.
This past Saturday, after her running training, I asked her — simply — if she'd like me to accompany her for dinner. No expectation. No hidden test. Just an offer.
She said yes.
Image: father and daughter talking over dinner
We had a happy dinner together and talked — really talked — about everything and nothing. No forced conversation. No awkward silence. Just... us.
Sitting there, I felt something I hadn't felt in a while: our relationship is actually okay. It was never broken. It was just waiting for me to stop attaching conditions to my love.
I Don't Need to Doubt Anymore
Here's what I understand now: I don't need to keep checking whether my love is working. I don't need evidence. I don't need a particular response by a particular time.
She knows. She feels it. And she will respond — in her way, on her own time. But even if she didn't, even if the dinner had been quiet and short, my job doesn't change. Love her. That's it.
This is the highest love. Not the easiest love. Not the love that always feels good in the moment. But the love that makes everything else possible.
For most of us, unconditional love is what we say we believe in — and what we rarely actually practice. I'm still learning. Some days I get it right. Some days I don't.
But I know the direction now. And that, by itself, is a kind of relief I can't fully describe.
Your Turn
So I’ll leave you with this question:
Where in your life are you attaching conditions to your love — without even realizing it? And what might change if you let those conditions go?
I'm Alvin Cheung, an IT pro with 15+ years helping businesses level up their tech. I love finding everyday wisdom and exploring how tech and spirituality can enhance our lives. When I'm not geeking out on IT solutions, I'm sharing stories about personal growth and life lessons.
Email: alvin.cheung@nstrlabs.com
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